But like I was saying, life literally brought me to my knees last night. I was stressed and being haunted by multiple hints, I’d been dumped, I was scared of someone, I’d been having increasingly awful nightmares, I’ve had panic attacks after running out of meds, and I haven’t talked to anyone about anything because I pride myself on being the one who just deals with stuff and doesn’t whine about it to get sympathy because frankly I don’t want any, and my shiz isn’t anyone else’s business.
But last night I was home alone for once in my life and I literally fell to my knees because I just could not physically hold myself up anymore. The mental, spiritual and emotional stress all of the sudden turned very physical. I fell on my knees and was wracked with sobs for an hour. My lungs felt pinched together.
And then I realized I could start praying because I was already in position. So I did. I sobbed to my father in heaven.
And the next morning, I woke up at 10:08 and immediately turned my iPhone to the mormon channel because general conference had already started. I literally started listening right as president Monson was introduced. As soon as he said, “We are pleased to announce that all worthy and able bodied men…” I knew it would be big. I couldn’t imagine what, but when he announced they could go on their missions at 18 I knew I was listening to history. And then he began with the women, and I prayed and hoped but didn’t dare, and then he said, “will be able to go on their missions at age 19.” and my jaw literally dropped and I fell to the ground once again wracked with sobs. Of joy, of hope, of happiness. I knew i had my answer. Only 8 hours earlier had I fallen to my knees in despair and now I was falling to my knees in joy and hope, faith and unrestrained gratitude.